Happiness

I'm content. I'm happy. And I wish I had been this happy the whole time.

I've listened to this song a lot while I've been here. Maybe it

 sounds cheesy, but it's been a nice sort of anthem for me to get 

me through when I'm feeling down. 

"... When all the hard times outweigh the good

And all your words are misunderstood...

You must follow your heart."

Here's the truth: These last 21 months have not always been the happiest of times. I've always been glad that I'm here knowing that 2, 10, 50 years from now I'd be really grateful that I went through this experience. Because even through the hard times and emotionally trying times I've been able to see the value of being here - whether it was because I'd see a student get really excited about spitting out a grammatically correct sentence, or because I was having a good time with friends, or because I was happy that I had enough free time here to teach myself to play guitar and to crochet and to paint, or because I could tell myself that no matter what happens to me after this, I can always look back on this experience and say to myself "Well, I survived 2 years in Kazakhstan. I can survive this, too." 

I remember talking to a friend once about how we were not very satisfied with our work - he teaches in the college and I teach elementary/middle school students - but we were both frustrated with students being disinterested in class and having issues with communication with our counterparts, and we were both a little embittered with our host families. We KNEW they always meant well, but that doesn't make the misunderstandings any easier. Anyway, he told me that he wouldn't consider these the best 2 years of his life, but when he got on the plane and went home he would put on the rose colored glasses and look back on it all with pleasure. I had to agree. I wasn't going to give up. There were good days mixed in with the bad. And it's always easier to remember the good times in retrospect. But when you're in the middle of it... not so easy.


In February 2010 when my manager came for my first site visit, the director of my school told her that I had "sad eyes" and she hoped that would change. Well, it took almost a year, but the sad eyes are gone. 


As I was walking home today - through the mud and bitter wind - I had a smile on my face. As I usually do these days. 






Because of training schedules and Peace Corps Kazakhstan goings-on, my service has been shortened from 27 months to 24 months. In all honesty, I was pretty excited about this when I found out. I had hit my low of lows around October, and the announcement couldn't have come at a better time - just before Thanksgiving. Knowing that I had three less months here actually made the end seem sooo much closer. Which I needed at the time. 


Now, however, I find myself feeling a little sad that it will end so soon. As of today I only have 3 months and 2ish weeks left here. That's only one more month of school (I already know I'm going to cry at the last bell ceremony) and a quick 2 months of Summer. It makes me a little sad...


I'll miss having lunch and dinner with Babs and watching silly Lifetime-esque dramas with her. Or coming home to see her doing something crazy like spinning her own yarn or wrestling still-live fish from a plastic bag into a big bowl. 

I'll miss seeing how excited my students are when they see me on the bus or in the city. They tap their parents on the shoulder and say "It's Miss Holly!" then say hello to me and ask how I'm doing (If you read my previous post, "I'm OK" - I'm over that now) and feel so proud that they spoke English in front of their parents. Often, the next time I see them in class I hear them telling the other kids about how they saw Miss Holly at the bazaar like it's the greatest thing that's happened all week.

One year later and it seems like they've all grown so much!

I'll miss tea breaks at any random time of the day, and walking into the cafeteria at school, greeting the teachers and students with a "приятного аппетита!" and the lunch ladies giving me free tea because because I teach their 3rd and 6th graders... and because they like my pretty smile. 


And most of all, it makes me sad to think that I won't be able to hang out with Hannah and Trevor and Garret (and all volunteers, for that matter) anymore. Yeah - I have friends back in Utah (I think I still do, anyway?) but... these volunteers have been with me through some of the most emotionally trying days of my life so far, as well as some of the most fun and crazy and awesome times. They just can't be replaced. I know we'll still be able to keep in touch when I leave, but it'll never be the same again. It's weird, and actually quite depressing, to think that I have this finite limit on our friendship as it is now. Not fair.

Well, now I'm starting to tear up thinking about all the people/things/craziness that I'll miss. But don't worry, I'll just remind myself that I haven't had a decent shower in 2 years and that I've had to use the outhouse for the last week - and maybe for the rest of the Summer - and I'll be happy to be going back to America again where my family is waiting to take me to Disneyland. :) 

On the Alice in Wonderland ride in 2008 when my sister and younger brother and I had a Disneyland Adventure. I'm excited for a re-do of this trip a couple weeks after I go home - but this time including my parents, brother-in-law and (fingers crossed) my older brother and his family. It's going to be legendary.