Late Night Musings

I went to bed relatively early tonight. I stayed up late last night and was terribly tired tonight, but found myself unable to fall asleep. As I listened to the thunder rolling across the steppe, I decided I needed a little music to act as backdrop. I was brave, and left it up to my ipod to select the music for me. “Slide to Unlock > Music > Songs > All > Shuffle > Hope that Russian Language Lesson doesn’t begin” My ipod did not fail me. I listened to a few songs that fit the mood of the night very well – No DaftPunk or Madonna to interrupt (as I typed this, Madonna , Sky Fits Heaven, began. Creepy. At least it’s a good one.) Then, a song came on that I haven’t listened to in months. It was from an album that I received just before leaving for Kazakhstan and I listened to it quite often my first couple months in country. Now, anytime I listen to this album, I feel very nostalgic for those first couple months. I can’t help but recall the feelings of loneliness,  excitement, confusion, adventure, stress etc, etc, etc. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the realization that this whole “experience” will be over in just a few weeks. When at one time, I was sure it would never end – unless I forced to, early. And now – I don’t want to go. I’m having a hard time imagining my life back in America. Jobless, carless, friendless….

 Of course, I know I have friends waiting to see me back at home, but I have a hard time thinking that our friendships will be the same as before I left simply because I’m not the same person. I’m a better person. I know it sounds strange, but I feel like I’m more ME. I feel like I’m now the person I always thought I could be but hadn’t quite figured out how to be yet. I have a clearer picture of who I am, and who I want to be.

…Anyway, listening to this song, my feelings came full circle. I had listened to this song and felt tears spring to my eyes while lying on my bed if Issyck, thinking about all the people back home that I missed and wondering how in the world I was going to make it in this crazy (awesome) place. And now, I listen to this song, and again tears well up – but this time for the anticipation of things to come. For the people that I’ll miss. For the laid-back, yet ever-so-stressful life that I’ve had here. I’m going to miss it. I’m going to miss my students and my co-workers and my friends. I’m crying and I haven’t even left yet! I haven’t even said goodbye yet! This does not bode well. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am excited to go home. I can’t wait to see my family. I can’t wait to sleep in my comfortable bed. I can’t wait to be in a house with air conditioning. I can’t wait to eat food that I want to eat. I can’t wait to start a new chapter of my life. But I’m going to make the most of my last few weeks here. I want to make them last as long as possible. 

Just one song spurred all these thoughts, and I had to write them down (In case you're curious, the song is Hello, I'm in Delaware by City and Colour - yeah, I've mentioned this band before). I feel like I've felt the full spectrum of emotions here in Kazakhstan, and to be honest, I don't want to forget any of them - both the good and the bad. 

Ok, ok. I'm done. Here are a couple of pictures from my July 4th weekend in Astana to lighten the mood!

(most of) Kaz-21, dancing it out in Astana

Trevor and I at Baiterek

So colorful! I loved it!

Alright. I got all my mushy-crazy emotions out, and a few pictures up (which I've been meaning to do for a week now) so, I think I can go to bed a happy girl. Goodnight!